Marc Jacobs Shoes: The Good, Bad & The Fugly

Seriously, why is Marc Jacobs stuff so schizophrenic? It's either gorgeous or atrocious.
First: I must say that I am enamored of these Marc Jacobs patent cone heel pumps:

($335, Marc by Marc Jacobs, Barneys Co-op)

They're slightly less salmon-y in real life, and they're just overall perfect.

($325, Marc Jacobs, Barneys Co-op)

Perfection!

($198, Marc By Marc Jacobs, Pinkmascara.com)

These are amazing. And my size too!


... But how does that explain these atrocities?

($300, Marc Jacobs, Barneys)

I hate criss-cross no matter what, but a criss-cross Mary Jane? So misguided.

($235, Marc Jacobs, Barneys)

The biggest crime of all! Asymmetrical slingback? Metallic? Jeweled heel! FOR SHAME, MARC JACOBS!

Dresses: Shiny, Sparkly, Bold & Bright

A billion (okay, more like a dozen) drool-inducing sparkly, shiny, luxe and lush dresses for les holiday season!

($456, Nanette Lepore, Net-a-porter.com)

So deliciously late-70s. Glittery and glam yet still sexy and seductive without showing too-too much (yes, it's short, but this would look perfect with black tights.)

($925, See By Chloe, Net-a-porter.com)

Square sequins = manna from heaven. Though for nearly a grand, they better have been handsewn by elves.

($89, Asos.com)

I like this, but is it a little too obviously like "Hey! Look at me! I'm doing the jeweled dress trend!"?

($418, Petro Zillia, ShopPetroZillia.com)

Same thing? The paper bag waist might not be necessary, but it is helpful if you're hiding a fetus... or a food baby.

($300, Dallin Chase, Blaec.com)

Way chiller. And it looked adorbs on J.Lo:

($265, Karta, Net-a-porter.com)

A nice way to work the metallic trend without going too overboard. This piece still has a sorta folksy feel to it. Yay!

($660, Abaete, Bergdorf Goodman)

Or you could go TOTALLY overboard with this amazingly fun Abaete tank dress covered in paillettes. I know I would.

($795, Stella McCartney, Net-a-porter.com)

Also a beautiful holiday piece -- a healthy alternative to the I'm-not-wearing-a-dress-so-I'm-wearing-a-sparkly-top-and-black-pants look.

($348, Marc by Marc Jacobs, Bergdorf Goodman)

Perfect perfect perfect holiday dress. Love the contrast of the elegant eggplant and the more bright and festive sash. Yay!

($450, Abaete, Saks Fifth Avenue)

Absolutely stunning. Soooo Grecian goddess-chic. Though even a Grecian goddess might not be able to rock this very slim-lookin' number. Hm. Best left on the racks and to you rail-thin 55378008 chicks out there.

($587, Viktor & Rolf, Net-a-porter.com)

Oh mah stars. I freaking LOVE this. It's like Knots Landing goes to Colette. Want want want!

'80s DRAMA!

Jewels: Big, Bold, Funky, Chunky

Ok. I actually hate the word "funky" in almost any and all circumstances (when Melora in "Ghost World" uses it, that pretty much sums up everything I hate about it and the people who use it a lot), but it rhymed with "chunky, " so fuck it.

Anyway, so, seeing "that blue and black Marni necklace" EVERYWHERE, (Behindbigglasses tried to make their own! Respek!) I can't help but want that a billion other big-ass pieces -- primarily necklaces -- of stone, wood, leather, Perspex, Lucite and any or all combos of mixed materials therein. Viva la statement pieces!

And so, my obsession begins:

($972, Marni, Net-a-porter.com)

Alas, just a wee bit out of my price range.

($730, Marni)

Pure beauty. Love the grey.




Jewelry designer Ligia Dias basically rules. She's barely 30 and she's already designed jewelry for Lanvin, and she's collaborated with Comme des Garçons and Phillip Lim. Good luck getting your hands on her stuff though, unless you live near a Holt Renfrew or are in a position to drop by Dover Street Market or Colette on your way home from work. Refinery29 also did a piece on her. Sigh and swoon.

($695, Erickson Beamon, Net-a-porter.com)

You really don't need more than a solid tank top with a necklace like this. Well, that and pants.

($477, Erickson Beamon, Electricladyland.com)

Ok, so this is a little wack, but so is BEING BORING.

($240, DAY Birger et Mikkelsen, Net-a-Porter.com)

So speaking of boring, this bow necklace would be nothing spesh if it were made of plastic, but it's made of LEATHER which makes it way more amazing and unexpected. And amazing.

($48, Marc By Marc Jacobs, Shopbop.com)

Love this Marc By Marc Jacobs ring...

($58, Marc By Marc Jacobs, Shopbop.com)

But not as much as I love this Marc By Marc Jacobs tortoiseshell '80s pin. I've been craving this fucker for a fortnight.

($55, Createdestroyrebuild, Maleorderonly.com)

This stuff is allegedly for the menfolks, but whatevs. Strong enough for a man, rad enough for the ladies, I say! And check out the Gameboy/girl. Tee!

($49, Buyghostly.com)

Cute widdle ghosty!

($75, Pethypothesis.com)

Cute -- AND made from reclaimed billboard vinyl! Wee!

($80, Isharya)

Loves. Fin!

Comfy Cardis!

My cardigan and knit obsession continues, especially in goes-with-anything greys and blacks. Here are several cardis, sweaters and other knits I so deeply desire:

($150, Clue, Satineboutique.com)

But will I look as pouty and impossibly small-waisted if I buy this?

($306, Alexander McQueen, Shopbop.com)

I normally can't stand wearing clothes with brands plasted across them, but this isn't too obvious. Plus, graffiti = funs!

($228, Marc By Marc Jacobs, Shopbop.com)
This is so effin' cute. Subtle too. Deeeelightful!

($235, L.A.M.B., Shopbop.com)

Due to the placement of the knit straps, I'd prolly advise not wearing this is you're over a small B-cup, lest your boobs push the belts so far to the sides that they get swallowed up by your pits. Regardless, I sorta love the lederhosen vibe this cute little sweater gives off.

($63, Priorities, Bluefly)

A striped, zippy hoodie cardi is such a necessity that they even named it PRIORITIES!

($194, Nom*D, Refinery29.com)

One for the dudes! I'm sorta unsure how I feel about longer stuff on dudes (save for a nice 3/4-length coat, but I guess this is sorta similar.

($245, C&C California, Shopbop.com)

Can you make it through the winter without a dark cashmere cardigan? (Or a reasonable facsimile -- a reasonable facsimile being at least $150 less and probably NOT cashmere?) No. No you cannot.

($258, Juicy Couture, Nordstrom)

Love the dainty little ruffling -- usually I HATE ruffles, but this is just non-intrusive enough. And I love the heather grey version too.

($29, Target)

I realized most of the stuff I posted was well above the FB affordable standard, so here's one from Ol' Faithful, Targz.

Marc Jacobs Hast Lost His Skinny Little Mind

I know he's had himself some trouble with the white stuff, but did the party powder leave him with Swiss cheese brain? Observe:


($995, Marc Jacobs, Barneys)
These are the best of the worst. Still, there is no instance imaginable that would make these acceptable.



($398, Marc By Marc Jacobs, Zappos Couture)
I give it a month before Jessica Simpson's photographed walking out of The Ivy in these. (Note: that does NOT make them right!)



($385, Marc By Marc Jacobs, Shopbop.com)
Or in these.


($185, Marc By Marc Jacobs, Bergorf Goodman)
Dude. Seriously. Come on. Seriously? Dude! This is some Payless shit!


($228, Marc By Marc Jacobs, eLuxury)
Honestly??


($873, Marc By Marc Jacobs, Zappos Couture)
Sigh. Real bad news. Where to even begin? These look like something I would've seen in like 1988 at like, Wild Pair at the mall and BEGGED my mom to get me so I could wear 'em do the Roger Rabbit in 'em at the middle school mixer. At least that memory isn't even real -- it's just a figment of a made-up memory and not a real one, unlike the actual memories of those who currently own these and will wear them and then sadly look back one day, 17 years from now, in horror. Regret's a bitch!


At least I would not regret owning this:
($1,650, Marc Jacobs, eLuxury.com)

Awful Vs. Awesome

UPDATE: Eff you, Blogger! Apparently the confucked tool ate some of the pix in this post. So I've reposted them. Thanks go out to ad hoc QA committee JnLRswk, who alerted me to the full-on morts and claims that Fashionbinge "is like a free Lucky Mag but funny." Awww!

And now, it's time for another edition of Awful Vs. Awesome (tm), the game where point out something awful and follow it up with something totally awesome.

First Awful:
($793, Marc By Marc Jacobs, Zappos Couture)
I've already started seeing these EVERYWHERE. They're so shitty. Like a paper bag cinched around the top of an otherwise perfectly acceptable boot. Marc, we already know you're a ground breaker. Please don't try to reinvent the wheel. Or the boot as the case may be.



AWESOME:
($495, Belle By Sigerson Morrison, Plazatoo.com)
Thank you, Belle, for this gorgeous, graceful, unmolested boot.


AWFUL:
($129, Vince Camuto, Nordstrom)
Waste of toe space.



AWESOME:
($197, Michael Kors, Nordstrom)
What would Prince do? Buy these. And that man's funk is always on point.



AWFUL:
($160, Michael Kors, Plazatoo.com)
Funky if you wear Lee Mom Jeans.



AWESOME:
($16, Forever 21)
Simple, silver, sold!


AWFUL:


($69, Jeffrey Campbell, Solestruck.com)
See what I mean about the Irregular Choice-esqueness of Jeffrey Campbell? These look like someone desecrated the Japanese flag. He giveth with one hand and taketh with the other.


AWESOME:
($49, Very Volatile, Lulusfashionlounge.com)
Cone head = bad. Cone heel = very good.

Also, enter promo code SEVENTEENROCKS for 20% off. Woo!



AWFUL:
($450, Isabella Fiore, eLuxury)
Nothing says "gauche" like teetering atop 4.5" inches of embroidered peacock and patent leather!


AWESOME:
($150, Salvador Sapena, Asos.com)
Perfect in every way.


AWFUL:
($698, Etro, Zappos Couture)
PUTRID in every way!


AWESOME:
($245, Juicy Couture, Plazatoo.com)
These are very sweet in a holiday-spirit, trimming-the-tree sorta way (even though I'm Jewish, so they're sweet in what I'd image in a trimming-the-tree sorta way.) I also love that these are nearly the exact same shoe but for way way less:
($23, Classified, Lulusfashionlounge.com)
Hooray 4 knockoffs!



AWFUL:
($250, Marc By Marc Jacobs, Plazatoo.com)
Hurl.


AWESOME:
($20, Target)
Very cute, no creepy Bedazzled embellishments.


SUPER AWFUL:

($67, Era Of Chaos, LF Stores)
Seriously... what the FUCK is going on here? Not only do these look like an imitation of those Imitation of Christ jeans they sewed Scarlett Johansson into at their runway show back in ought-5, but they look so uncomfortable that if you sat in them at work all day, you'd have potentially sterlized yourself by COB.


AWESOME:
($89, Banana Republic)
Even I am mortified that I'm into something from Banana Republic, but these are really really cute. Via Stylebakery's Fall Jeans Guide.



AWFUL:
($102, LF Stores)
Um, did we learn NOTHING from Jennifer Hudson's Oscar-on-Oscar shrug fiasco???



AWESOME:
($274, Mint, Pinkmascara.com)
Yes, you actually CAN wear metallics without looking like a member of Daft Punk.



AWFUL:
($48, What Comes Around Goes Around, Activeendeavors.com)
Duuuude. Dude. Duuuuuuude. This reminds me of what the grandparents sleep in in "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory." Worst.


AWESOME:
($62, Soundgirl, Fredflare.com)
Yes, you can wear a striped dress without looking like you're wearing a mumu. I, for one, will be wearing this dress shortly, as I just bought it! Weee!

Say goodbye, Jennifer!